we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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