Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
