I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
