I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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