I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
