the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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