did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
