life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
