tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
