dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
