I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
