i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
