peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Text me some of your sweat
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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