Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
