sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
