Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
We have so much sex to catch up on
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
