at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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