im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
