We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
