the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
