i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Such a big mess for such a small penis
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
