My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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