I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
