She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
