Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
