I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
