I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
