i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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