Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
