At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
