sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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