I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
