He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
