Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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