Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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