Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Randomize
