Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
