i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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