Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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