you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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