If that was your dad, he is hot
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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