Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
