so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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