Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Just invented taco cereal.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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