and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
