I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
