OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
the condom got lost in my hair
I just gift wrapped bread.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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