she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
