He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
