You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
